Speck of the Minds Eye

On This Tree

"Each year The American Childhood Cancer Organization, during the December holiday season, has a 25 foot tree that is solely decorated with thousands of gold ribbons (the symbol for childhood cancer). Each ribbon bears the name of a child who has, or has had cancer.

Thousands of gold ribbons are ordered by families every year, Each ribbon represents a childhood interrupted or even cut short by cancer. These gold ribbons hold deep personal meaning for thousands of families across the country."

This year I bought several ribbons - some in memory of (Gavin, Gariella, Shayla), some in honor of (Mathis, Tara, Dryden).  Then I was mad because I forgot Kyle - but luckily someone else caught that for me.  A year ago today - I only thought in terms of my own family and friends and now its this whole extended thing (friends of friends).  The tree is strikingly beautiful with each ribbon handcrafted by a small army of volunteers with the name of the child, age, and hometown.  The tree, while absolutely stunning in its appearance, is a stark reminder that for these families (and this is a small representation) their lives are forever changed.  For the survivors and cancer fighters, some will be undergoing treatments and testing during the holidays.  The fear will never end that the disease will spread or come back in some other form, while for others - they have no voice because they are no longer with us.  On this tree lies these children's Spirit, Courage, and Strength but it also serves to remind us that the world has been robbed of the potential of what might have been, what these kids would have aspired to, the great change and contribution to society they would have made, and the lives they would have touched. 

I struggle to find anything positive in all this.  I try not to make these blogs so gloomy but I can't help the hole in my heart and the infinite sadness I feel.  Believe me, I want too.  When I put up my decorations this year - it was not done with the same enthusiasm I normally attack decorating with.  I came across a picture in a Chistmas frame (I bring it out every year) that the Kim family gave us years ago of our kids (Rupps, Speckhards, Kims - three neighbors all in a row, three families with kids that are growing up together, three moms who love wine, three dads that hang out in the gargemahjal) and it brought back memories of standing in line at the Nature Center so the kids could see Santa and we could get that annual picture all famiiles like to get.  Knowing that this year, one of those kids is not here.  It's unjust, its a painful reminder, and it shouldn't be.  Reading Ellyn Miller's Facebook post on how everything outside the house reminds her of her daughter, and extrapolating that to how these families now have to will deal with coming across these special ornaments, stockings, and even making Christmas card decisions - all brutal.

Just when I was thinking Logan had gotten through the grief of losing a neighbor and friend, she tells me she had a horrible day yesterday beacause she could not get Gavin off her mind.  She woke up this morning with dark circles under her eyes, groggy from not enough sleep and asked me who will fill the hole in the world that Gavin has left with things undone and potential unfullfilled (I struggle to word this correctly in her words - though I understood perfectly the meaning).  From her sadness, I realize how thankful I am that Gavin touched my family.  I am thankful I met Gabriella and her family.  I am thankful I have met some great inspirational people like Tattoo Tom and learned Shayla's story, or had the chance to sit and speak with Tara about the loss of her friend, and see Mathias surrounded by friends of his own.  I am thankful I have worked side by side with my neighbors, thankful for making new friends and thankful I find it within me to strive for greatness because others have been able to pull the best out of me somehow.  Thankful I can be a part of change through events and organizations like the Truth 365, Kyles Kamp, Stilbrave, Smashing Walnuts and of course, iPromise15.  I am thankful and grateful to live in a community that rallies around our children (sick and healthy) and their families.  We will need this spririt moving forward because we have a long brutal fight ahead of us.  Cancer leaves no winners behind - only survivors and victims in its wake. 

2013 came in like a lion, a beast - it roared.  It clawed.  It beat it's drum.  It knocked us blind and senseless.  It gnashed it's ugly teeth.  It killed without discrimination, without care, without reason.  It beat us back as a community.  It tried to destroy families.  It was an ugly, bloody battle and we lost some of our strongest and bravest - unacceptable losses.  I want it to go out with a whimper, beaten, broken, weak, alone, afraid, torn apart, exhausted, blind, shirveled, and utterly eradicated from the surface of this planet.  Cancer cannot break spirit, it cannot take away our unified voices, our will, our fight, it cannot kill us all.  So on this tree - is pinned, in no small part, my hope, my dream, my wish and my will to fight again and again until I have no voice left. 

Will you fight?  If not you, then who?

 

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

 

Brother, Can you spare 10k?

Foundation

When I get cracks in my foundation
I look for someone to fix them
or hide them with a rug
Thinking I will get to making that call
one day 

They seem small and insignificant at the time
but widen and get crumbly
If left unattended for long
They will just grow 
bigger 

Until the day my entire basement opens
Into a big black gapping hole
Like a void from beyond
That swallows up my house
forever

But the stuff within - is just stuff
The walls and the stones
the wood and the metal
the pictures, clothes, and things
ruined

I have my family
I have my friends
I have Purpose
I have love and that is my
Foundation 

I got to thinking today that the past 12 months have been a complete and utter suckfest.  I can't remember a time this year that things felt or seemed right.  It has been an emotional angry/sad rollercoaster.  Seeing the Rupps fight for and then lose Gavin, meeting the most incredible little girl, advocate, author, Gabriella Miller and then see her lose her battle this week, hoping for change in funding or anything to show the government gets it and seeing nothing.  Getting sick for two weeks, sleeping like crap.  School struggles, job struggles, stress, friendship changes, crying jags and now just sitting here staring at my blog - trying to think of what to write since I am not at the memorial for Gabriella.  It's not that I don't want to honor her - I am just having a bad day, a tough time, I can't accept she is gone and so I will honor her in my own way.  It has been a rough year.  

I don't know if it's where I live, or if cancer does this, but we seem to be losing kids who just have that special spark to them.  I know we ALL say our kids have that spark but did you have the chance to meet Gabriella, Gavin, or Shayla?  I never met Shayla, actually but her dad is so awe inspiring - and I mean the kind of awe that makes your jaw drop inspiring.  The kind that makes you want to get your butt up out of your seat inspiring.  The kind that only a bald tattooed man named Tattoo Tom can inspire.  I bet he is a real softie and I would bet Shayla had that spark too.  Her dad, Tom, is the kind of person that makes you want to DO something, anything, just not nothing.  He does not sugar coat his feelings.  He does not hold back.  That's inspiring.  My brief meeting with him consisted of 2 minutes at CureFest and a few Facebook exchanges (I promise Tom - I am not stalking you).  But in every picture I see of him with a pediatric cancer patient he radiates love and comfort.  The kids in the picture love and adore him, you see it in their eyes and in their smiles.  Ellyn tells me it's because he is a kid at heart and kids think he is so silly.  I agree but I also think that when people are geniune, you see it.  There is no doctoring it up or photoshopping it in.  I joined his organization Stillbrave.org and I hope one day I can ask him how many tattoos he has and what they all mean if he will share that with me.  I guess every one knows this by now - Gabriella and Tom wrote poetry.  Wfahen I visited Gabriella about a month ago, she entertained us by reading poems that she and Tom wrote one line each and would email it back to the other to add to it.  She told me the more mature and harder lines were hers :)  But they were amazing poems and you could see how much she loved him.  In hearing the poems you could also tell how well the two related to each other and clicked.  I know he must miss his daughter, in a way I will hopefully never know, but he is really an inspiration to me to do better, to do more, to do something.  He is also the reason that I know I can feel angry and I should.

I live in this new world where a golf tournment (thank you Kyles Kamp) raises +30k for pediatric cancer
and  siblings of those impacted, where tears are shed in a very moving video presentation (I wonder if anyone knew that friends, neighbors, and family from Ohio all contributed within 2 days notice to help Randi make it special - she must have worked very hard on it).  I met a little girl named Tara, who also took another piece of my heart that night at the banquet.  This new world where a night out means going to High Heeled Happy Hour to raise funds for Team Mathias.  Spending a quiet Saturday with 3,900 strangers (okay maybe 3,800 I didn't know) raising over 700k to date in for A Race for Every Child.  Then there are the personal challenges like the Biggest Loser Challenge, where unbeknownst to me, I ran a half Spartan.  Wait... I already mentioned that ina previous blog post.  And I plan to mention it as many times as possible!  This new world where when I go to buy a pair of boots, stop, and think about what cause I can give it to (that's right A Princess for a Purpose) you got your 15 items for your holiday drive from me forgoing a pair of boots.  Part of volunteering with iPromise15, and really the best part is, that I am always meeting or hearing fascinating stories from kids who are patients, were patients, never want to be patients, who tell me great inspiring things they want to do. Like Emma Rose, who just learned she got accepted to Nursing School and wants to be a pediatric oncology nurse.  Or Emily O'Brien who wants to do Occupational Therapy.  Or just smashing walnuts on my back deck with Logan.  Where my Facebook updates now consist of organizations, parents, and children fighting cancer, how they did at Chemo that day or who has had a setback or bad day.  Or the joy of seeing an image of Mathias getting his prosthetic leg and walking like a Champ (Roya - I hope you don't mind I am using the photo of Mathias/Tattoo Tom and Mathias/Chris here)!  Getting updates on TattooTom's insane training for some marathon that would have me throwing up within 5 minutes.  Seeing Brian Jones update his latest run.  My new normal is spending time with the talented, generous, and creative youth in Loudoun County (getting to dress up like zombies scaring people) at Shocktober benefitting the Aurora School.  Then there were the paper tissue flowers - yes, it takes some longer than others to follow simple tissue flower crafting instructions.  And spending our family holiday this season by marking it with honoring those that are fighting and remembering those that fought at the ACCO Light up the Holiday with Hope event.

I am blessed to have some great friends.  Ones I didn't even know how great they were until this year.  I have a beautiful daughter who is struggling but getting it and most important, has a kind and generous heart.  She auditioned and will be singing in a special fundraiser concert "One Day More" a Benefit Recital to help raise money for a medical mission trip to the Philippines.   I am lucky to be a part of something greater than me and my little life.  I am inspired by people who have done great things and encourage me to do the same.  I got off my butt and will be doing my fourth race (a 6k)!!  

Lastly, I was fortunate enough to meet a little girl, Bri, (do not call her Gabi!), who gave me a big hug and touched my heart - even if for a short time.  I have learned about so many kids helping kids - that leaves me speechless that at their age they are doing such amazing things!  I have some great ideas - plans for the future that involves my family and helping others.  And I am extremely excited about a journaling project that The Truth 365 will be working with me on (thank you, thank you!!!!).  This has kept me busy, learning about releases, business plans, grant writing, and fundraising (so if you can spare about 10k or have 20 ipads laying around - let me know!).  Actually, there will be some type of fundraising for this project so stay tuned, especially if you can donate an ipad or two.  I can't wait for iPromise15 to get off the ground and start running as a 501(c)(3) because I feverantly believe in the vision the Rupps have for it.  I hope to continue to volunteer and be a part of it.  As this year brings in new traditions in place of old ones, I will always be thinking about the promise I made to #15 G, that I kept it, and every 15 months will think what can I do MORE?  And I am making a promise to myself that I will not beat myself up and dwell on any longer why I didn't do ENOUGH in the past years.

So I have a foundation - sometimes it shifts a bit in the wind but it's solid and the only one I have. 

 

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The work never stops and neither does cancer

Sadly, the government shut down has only highlighted the desperate need for more pediatric cancer funding.  I can't imagine what it must be like for families to hear they cannot start a trial - because the government is shut down.  Let's hope we aren't doing this all over again on January 15th. 

This month kicked off with A Race for Every Child 5k in Washington DC.  We were happy to support Children's National via Kyle's Kamp.  We saw many race participants in their various Gavin T-shirts and I even saw some iPromise15 shirts!  Woot!!

The weekends have been spent with softball and doing volunteer work at Shocktober.org - where I volunteer to scare the poop out of people.  It has been fun, I have worked with some great kids and adults all for another great cause, The Arc of Loudoun (http://www.paxtoncampus.org/).  They support families and individuals with disabilities so that they may thrive in the community (here in Loudoun County).  This continues through to the first week of November and then it's StageCoach13 - a Medical Reserve Corp staging site exercise.  There is just so much to do.

Looks like Logan also is getting in to the volunteer movement herself.  She tried out for a solo part (finds out Monday) doing a Les Miserables "One Day More" finale at a Benefit Recital to help raise money for a medical mission trip to the Philippines (Benefit info).  She is singing in a group but hopes to get a solo part.  She has grown so much voice wise in just the last few months working with Jen Randall of Little Diva Studio.  Mark and Logan are also attending the Briar Woods v. Broad Run Battle for a Better Cause, raising money for iPromise15 in memory of Gavin.  I am volunteering that night at Shocktober but I did buy my t-shirt in support.  She is also choosing to do an iPromise15 blog as her English project.  I can't wait to hear more about it.  She was 1/2" short from donating her hair to Locks of Love but her new spunky haircut has come with a new spunky attitude.

And finally - I am doing the Rhino Chase 6k on November 2nd at 11am.  Benefitting Loudoun Interfaith Relief.  I keep promising, I keep moving forward, I keep wanting to make the most of my life.  There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about Gavin or his family. 

 

 

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Upon Reflection

"A thousand words won't bring you back, I know because I've tried; neither will a million tears, I know because I've cried."

I find myself this month in a frenzy of doing things.  So worried that there is some magic number I must reach to equate to enough.  This week was one of those tough tough weeks.

Tuesday was Gavin's 14th Birthday.  I reacted with my usual attitude of anger that he should be here to celebrate with his family and he is not.  Yes, that makes me angry.  It should make every one I know and meet angry but it doesn't.  I was at first perplexed by this and then I realized I was one of those people until very recently.  

Monday the Rupps lost their family dog, Merlin.  Now I am a HUGE dog lover.  In fact, we have a black lab mix because of Merlin.  But there is some irony that Merlin was put down because he had cancer and the family, rightfully so, did not want him to suffer.  He was here all through Gavin's illness and losing Merlin after that enormous battle with Gavin feels like salt in the wound.  But is it?  The beautiful thing (and I can't take any credit for this) is that Gavin and Merlin are together.  A boy and his dog.  As it should be.  I like to think they are playing ball in a great field somewhere.  It gives me solace, it gives me peace, and it's the only way I can find any kind of answer.

Tuesday, many kids from various schools in the area wore #15, I stand up for Gavin, or iPromise15 shirts.  And at the end of a long day, at 6pm, released orange balloons into the sky.  A way to mark this day in celebration vs. grief.  That night, myself and two other friends, supported Team Mathias at High Heeled Happy Hour.  We drank, ate, and shopped.  During the course of the evening we found out that Mathias, who had been in NYC to discuss treatment options, had some tests that showed more cancer/spots in his lungs and that he would have surgery on Thursday.  I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach.  Again.  With a steelpointed boot.  All I can hear in my head is a voice screaming that cancer IS NOT rare in children.  4% funding is crap!  We need more research, money, and time.

On Wednesday, I decided to commit to volunteering my weekends to Paxton Manor (Shocktober) during the next 5 weekends - yes as an actor, yes - scaring the crap out of people for a good cause in helping children while supporting families and individuals with disabilities so that they may thrive in our community (see Paxton Campus).  I also sat down to outline my idea of a 365 journaling campaign, potential donor list for ipads & imovie software that I need for that campaign, and talked to a Director friend about Kickstarter as a possible step 2.

Thursday I awaited for news on how Mathias's surgery went.  And I was relieved to hear that it did go well - which I know from sitting through two surgeries with the Rupps and Gavin, what that feels like (not as a parent but as a friend).  

Friday.  Friday I received word that I have permission to host another fundraiser.  In all honestly, I don't have the energy.  At least right now.  That's a phone call I still have to make.  I attended the staff softball game at Mill Run Elementary School.  There, the staff, unveiled the name of their ball field will be henceforth known as "The Gavin Rupp Field, #15 Forever".  I know this project has been very close to Paul Vickers heart - he wanted it to be the right tribute, the right moment and it was.  

Saturday.  After a long dress rehearsal for Shocktober, I was honored that Meg Lewis with Marriott offered up some auction weekends for the Inaugural Gavin Rupp Golf Tournament and an extra incentive for the staff at Parallel Wine Bistro in getting postcards to legislature out for more funding to support pediatric cancer research.  I can't wait to see how many postcards the staff can get filled out!!!  I also got a chance to finally see ALL the great vacation photos from July - the Speckhard Cottage annual Vacation.  Family is so important.

and on Sunday, I rest.  Not really.  But it sounded like a fitting ending.  Don't sit and do nothing... please, please, please do something.  Anything - to just advocate.

 

 

 

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a blink of an eye

“Active kids can get diagnosed with cancer in the blink of an eye.” – Roya Giordano

I opened today's blog with this quote because I added a Team Mathias bracelet to my wrist today. Roya is Mathias's mom. I could easily have more bracelets and over time my collection of three will grow, but for now it is all I can do to focus on these three because it is important to me to understand the story behind each one I wear.  It is also my hope that as the bracelets grow so will the success stories behind them.  But the sad reality is with only 4% of funding going to Pediatric Cancer we are hard pressed to make this a dream come true.  We must keep pushing, fighting, knashing our teeth, and doing whatever it takes for these kids.  They have a beautiful voice - you just need to stop and listen.  In a blink of an eye, each of the below families found out their child's headache, possible sinus infection, and sore leg was in fact something much much worse.

Gavin Rupp - just look at my last few blog entries. Navy blue, his favorite color, #15 his baseball number, Walgreen's the last place I shopped before hearing his diagnosis. Nats, Kyle's Kamp, and Bryce Harper comes to mind. Started my Run for the White House miles donation toward "Team Gavin".  Participated in my first half Spartan in his name.  Miss him on a scale I cannot even put into words.  Taught me what GBM is. Support for iPromise15 will go toward funding of scholarships in fields such as Pediatric Cancer treatments, research, technology, and medicine. www.iPromise15.org

Stillbrave.org, Shayla Mitchell, daughter of one Tattoo Tom. I don't think I can ever look at a feather the same again, and I know I find this particular story the strongest example of a father/daughter bond.  Tattoo Tom's dedication is relentless and steadfast.  He is fast becoming my role model for advocacy.  Taught me about Hodgkins Disease. Support for Stillbrave is for non-medical needs and support for families with a child with cancer. My personal favorite is the backpack project providing comfort essentials to kids undergoing chemotherapy. www.stillbrave.org

Team Mathias, a boy with an infectious smile. Tried to meet him at the Fundraiser by the Fountain but he was surrounded by a sea of kids.  This kid is a rock star.  I have seen our community show of support with the Team Mathias t-shirts and the "Kick Cancer" soccer car magnets.  He loves nachos and Sonic.  He needs our prayers now more than ever. Taught me about Osteosarcoma. Team Mathias support goes https://squareup.com/market/team-mathias

My Promise: A list of my 15+ Action, Advocacy, and Awareness Activities in Support of Pediatric Cancer

If not you, then who?  I decided in July it would be me.  So here it is out there for all the world to see - so that I am accountable, and a promise is a promise and I will keep adding to it for 2013:

1. Organized Fundraiser by the Fountain that provided over 23k in support
2. Ran the Biggest Loser Challenge for Awareness to The Truth 365 and supporting Gavin Rupp
3. Conceptulized iPromise15 and branding with Todd Hayward (website, social media, facebook)
4. Postcards to my Congressional Representative (3)
5. Attended CureFest DC 2013
6. Tweet, Instagram, and share awareness daily
7. Working on Second Evenr (almost daily - looking for venue)
8. Registered for Team Gavin, A Race for Every Kid benefitting National Children's Hospital
9. Purchased Stillbrave.org t-shirt and bracelet
10. Donated money to Ronald McDonald House & National Children's Hospital
11. Worked with Parallel Wine Bistro to launch Congressional Postcard writing campaign for the month of September
12. Signed The Truth 365 petittion
13. Volunteered to work with Kyle's Kamp and the Gavin Rupp Golf Tournament
14. Spread the word and solicited donations for Team Gavin 
15. Gave interview with local paper on Gavin's Legacy
16. Signed up with Paxton Campus - Shocktober Fest
17. Added incentive to campaign for postcards to legislature 
18. Begin outline of my jounaling campaign (more to come)
19. Got girls softball team to wear iPromise15 stickers 
20. Added and committed to new campaign of children advocating for children (see ipromise15.org)
21. Volunteered as an actor for Shocktober - money goes to Arc of Loudoun at Paxton Campus
22. T-shirts and participation at Battle for a Better Cause
23. Rhino Chase 6k for Loudoun Interfaith Relief (wearing my iPromise15 shirt)

 

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month

If not you then who? Such a good question. Last year it was not me. I did nothing in support of Childhood Cancer Awareness Month except maybe shared a tweet or posted a sad picture. This year that has all changed. While I am blessed to have a healthy child (and God willing she stays that way) I cannot sit on the couch and do nothing. Every kid with cancer has a voice if you just listen. In fact, their voices are quite loud and beautiful. So do something! 9 days in and we can already say 324 kids found out they have cancer. 20% were told its terminal. No Hope. No Treatment. No Cure. Lack of funding and research still remain our "brick" wall.  Many of the adult treatments that are out there, used to help treat childhood cancer, often come at a price that causes long lasting side effects, illnesses, and even secondary cancers.

Most of us pass through this month with only the thought of how sad for those families. It's not because we are uncaring, it's that our brain will not allow us to go there because if we do - its unimaginable. So we are part of the problem. But the really great part is we are also the solution. We can DO something about it. We can DEMAND the Federal Government increase funding (which is at a measly 4%) to support research into treatments that are specifically for kids, to fund medicine for kids, and to finally find a cure so no parent has to tell a child they have cancer and there is no cure.

We all should be supporting the kids, families, and organizations fighting this uphill battle because in the end We All Win.

Spirit. Courage. Strength.  ALWAYS.

Fundraiser by the Fountain

Our friends and our promise

Our community, Ashburn, is one of those communities that is a little too good to be true. But it is in fact just that. Our neighborhood, Broadlands, is this ideal place to raise and care for kids. Lawnmowers in the background, dogs barking, joggers running past, kids playing in the streets, bikes laying in driveways, kids slamming doors to go play outside. Then you get to our street. On our street, you find open doors - where you walk right in and say hi. You find neighbors mowing your lawn when you are sick or away. You find generous tokens of friendship, texts with can I get you something from the store?, dogs wrestling in the grass, nerf gun wars in the backyards, meat being grilled at all hours, sports projected on a garage wall, GNO nights. That's us. That's how we roll.

In this past week our community came together strong in support of the Rupp family. Kids organized a candlelight vigil where hundreds came to the gym to mourn Gavin. On our street, doors opened and we housed family, friends, and neighbors with food and drink. Liberally. We sat together for the service, unplanned - just intuitively. Even those that used to live on our street in that moment were a part of our street. When one of us spoke to give a Eulogy, he spoke with all our voices. We are a truly dysfunctional family - but a family nonetheless, forever bonded. I would choose to live no where else. 

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep.   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep." - R. Frost

and I do have promises to keep and I am not alone.

http://ashburn.patch.com/groups/obituaries/p/theyll-keep-fighting-for-him-cancer-victim-gavin-rupp-13-remembered-by-hundreds

Gavin Rupp, Cancer Sucks

Yesterday I got the news I have long been dreading. A brave, courageous 13 year old boy would not see 14. He passed away while the sun was still bright in the sky. The moments that followed were surreal. Friends and neighbors gathered on our porch trying to make sense of it, trying to put the right spin on it, doing what people do when faced with unspeakable tragedy. Meanwhile, my blood just boiled inside. I am angry. I am angry that modern medicine couldn't cure him. I am angry that there weren't more clinical trials out there for kids like him. I am angry I had to watch his brother and sister learn about terminal illness.  I am angry I had to watch my dear, sweet, lovable, friend watch her son die.  I am angry that my life is forever changed. Angry that his family had to fight alongside him and are now also forever changed. Angry that Pediatric Cancer seems to be a dirty word when it comes to funding. And yes, I am a little angry at God too for selfishly taking a beautiful life way to soon. So today I am angry at the world.

Tomorrow will be a new day. Another day without Gavin, but not without hope. Gavin touched the lives of many people with his illness but he touched mine long before he was sick. He was a true warrior with an infectious smile. I promised him I would fight. And I will. His passing has brought together our community and national awareness. His voice grew 10,000 times stronger with the voices that now know  his story. His sacrifice will some day lead to research and then to a cure, so in essence, he will end up saving thousands of children. His name will be spoken by his friends, his number will be worn by many kids playing baseball as they crack their bats, his image will be conjured by the many parents of those kids who are relieved it was not their child that got sacrificed but whose hearts break nonetheless, and this will be passed to the many friends of those parents and so on and so on. It will motivate us to move forward, put one foot in front of the other when we race for awareness in his name. It will flow money on casino nights and other events into organizations that matter like Kyles Kamp. It will make true Heroes out of already great men like Bryce Harper. But it will also leave a hole in a family where no hole should be.  And I will reconcile with God.

I see the great things to come because of Gavin and his sacrifice. But for today, I get to be angry and mad at the world because tomorrow I need to fight. Yes, Cancer sucks and now it's time to do something about it.  I love you G.